Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Dr. Calvin Webber, Vault-Co's Patron Saint of Vault Door Integrity



Calvin: These are stock certificates. They denote ownership in a company.
Adam: Those look pretty. May I see them?
Calvin: Sure. They are yours. Your mother and I bought these for you before you were born to give you some money to help you out in your adult years. Unfortunately, they are all worthless now.

1965. Mom's Malt Shop has been built on the land where the destroyed Webber residence was and the fallout shelter lies underneath. It is a cheery malt shop full of clean-cut teenagers and "Surf City" by Jan & Dean is playing.
Archbishop Melcher{to owner}: Thank you for giving me this job.
Archbishop Melcher{to two girls at bar}: $1.15 an hour!

1975. Mom's Malt Shop has been converted into a bar. Cheery atmosphere now seem darker
Mom: I miss those flower children, how about you?
Archbishop Melcher, drinking a beer, makes no remark. "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" by Barry White begins to play
Mom: What is this newfangled junk?
Archbishop Melcher: Oh no, I do not think I will like this.
Female customer gives look of love to Archbishop Melcher, and both start dancing to song, cheering up both
Archbishop Melcher: All of these things, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Heroin Anonymous..
Drunk: There is a Heroin Anonymous?
Archbishop Melcher: Will you please...shut up?
Drunk: Sorry.
Archbishop Melcher: All of these things ask you to believe in something greater than yourself. Well, I have turned my eyes skyward a time or two, and I have seen nothing, except an airplane or two, which I cannot afford to get on!
Ground rumbles
Drunk: Earthquake!
Archbishop Melcher: Let it be.
Drunk runs for cover. Floor breaks and Calvin, wearing a radiation suit rises
Calvin: Welcome!
Archbishop Melcher cowers in corner, thinking a miracle has happened. Calvin shines flashlight towards him
Calvin: Leave my elevator alone.

Calvin explores the world outside fallout shelter, anticipating either a world of radioactive waste or a Soviet conquest. Even that attitude has not prepared him for 1997 Los Angeles, as there are drive-by shootings
Transvestite hooker: Got a light, honey?
Calvin: Were you a victim of the blast?
Transvestite hooker: Honey, I have been a victim of the blast, the clap, you name it. As the song goes, a country boy can survive.
Calvin: Did you say you were a country boy?
Transvestite hooker: Cute little old man, if you want a boy I can be a boy. If you want a girl I can be a girl.
Calvin is horrifed to what he thinks is a mutant
Calvin: No thank you, good day.
Calvin enters adult bookstore
Calvin{offscreen}: AAAUGH!

Calvin: Son, stay out of the adult bookstore.
Adam: How come?
Calvin: Poison gas is in there.

Eve: I made some champagne cocktails, like you requested. Funny, I only thought hookers drank these things.
Adam: I know Mom sure likes them.


theepilgrim said...

Thought you'd like it :)

Blast from the Past is one of the few (only?) movies from modern-era Hollyweird that actually shows that 1950s-early 60s America was, in fact, better than Kwanstainia in every way.

Aristotle had figured it out thousands of years ago: a place will only ever be exactly as good as the people living in it.

Simon said...

Interesting post -

Chris James said...

Never saw this film. Went to look at some reviews. I knew I'd find something like this:

"There's something a little bit creepy and Dole-like about the notion that 35 years ago, everything was good and pure and right (except for that whole Cold War mess), while today, everything has become debased and confusing."

-from the AVClub of course, an effeminate hipster haven.

Texas Arcane said...

@Chris James

… because the current regime must be completely disconnected from the linkage to the real world or any comparisons with the past in order to start to look good. Any sane objective look would otherwise conclude that we live in an amateur whorehouse with a chimpanzee answering the phones at the front desk. Therefore we must insist that the current regime is so spectacular and we are all such special snowflakes that we have graduated to a level so lofty it is totally ridiculous to even try to compare us to previous societies.