Monday, May 12, 2014

Colonel Jack Ripper, Officially Canonized Patron Saint of Vault-Co

Colonel Ripper was right. About everything. Time has proven that he was probably the only man of his era to be aware of what was really happening. It might have been squeezed through his own personal lens but he was nevertheless more accurate than everyone else around him.

A toast to our fallen comrade, the great anti-communist patriot Colonel Jack Ripper. May his vital fluids remain forever pure.

General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war? 

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don't think I do, sir, no. 

General Jack D. Ripper: He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water? 

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, no, I can't say I have. 

General Jack D. Ripper: Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.

General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream. 

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [very nervous] Lord, Jack. 

General Jack D. Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I... no, no. I don't, Jack. 

General Jack D. Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen... tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?
General Jack D. Ripper: [somewhat embarassed] Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Hmm.
General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No.
General Jack D. Ripper: But I... I do deny them my essence.


samhuih said...

"...conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids...".
God bless General Jack D. Ripper.

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Chris from Sydney said...

Don't know if you need a laugh right now, but for those who do start watching at the 30 second mark.

Comparing societies I can't believe the Kwazanies are trying to pick a fight with Russia. On the other hand Kwazanies gonna Kwazany.

Meanwhile, back in Russia....

theepilgrim said...

If you haven't already you should really watch Blast from the Past.

Calvin Webber (the dad) should be next in line for sainthood.

cbenediccengi said...

baked into the cookie dough..can't fix it.

Chunkations said...

TO THIS DAY if you mention flouride, some dumbo will quote the movie and use it to dismiss you as crazy,

styrac1 said...

Kwanstainia: Scheduled To Be Reduced To Rubble part #7638

I wonder how would the colonel react if he found out that America's nuclear deterrent will soon be a thing of the past and just another Cold War relic. Now that's what I call a real Missile Shield:

"Russia is now developing the new S-500 “Triumfator” system, which will have even greater range and the capability to shoot down massive barrages of ballistic and cruise missiles. Such systems, if they continue to be deployed in large numbers, could undermine America’s nuclear deterrent."

"Russia plans 10 battalions of S-500 missiles, designed to intercept strategic ballistic missiles by 2020. At a minimum, this appears to be at least 10 times as many strategic ballistic missile interceptors as currently planned by the US and deployments are almost certain to continue after 2020. The S-500 will reportedly also be nuclear-armed."

"The S-400 is designed to defend against medium range missiles, while the S-500 is being designed against ICBMs, SLBMs and hypersonic missiles."