Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Calling It "Human Resources" Was Your First Mistake

On six occasions over the past ten years, I was tasked to hire my replacement when the end of my contract was coming up and I was not interested in going permanent.

Each time I hired a person based on the exact opposite criteria that ordinary people use. Each time, my hire worked out so well that wherever the case that company is still doing business, my hire is still working there and is considered one of the best people they ever hired ... only they didn't hire that person, I did.

One of the last people I hired struck me as some kind of village idiot. He was his own worst critic, tried to talk me out of considering him, admitted to being chronically depressed, said he suffered from nosebleeds when he was under stress and said he had trouble sleeping at night because he spent all his time coding. He also told me that he had no interest whatsoever in people, in spectator sports and in his free time mostly practiced writing programs he never seemed to finish. I had interviewed a half dozen super cool Tom Cruise-clones the prior week and had not called any of them back. I knew I would give this guy a start date as soon as the interview ended. Of course, the guy was brilliant and did work of such quality there is no point in even comparing it with that of ordinary people. It is the nature of the species to excel ... for real, not pretend.

Unless by some miracle you accidentally have a guy like me to hire your people, there is no way a Homo Sapiens could ever make a correct choice in personnel. Not in a million years. Like will hire like and when the HR person is a standard Sapiens their hires will suck because they will hire master thespians like themselves who are perfect in every way. In other words, completely useless.


olebob said...

Help Kickstart World War III!

Chris from Sydney said...

I realised a few months back that if I actually get a job interview I should say I like beer, babes and ball sports and not be honest or upfront about anything.

Normally I would consider this to be lying but I realised the job interview is like a pass code.
You are expected to input the correct code in order to access the job.

The correct response may actually have nothing to do with the question.
Like with those 'secret question' you have to give from time to time, if you want to make your account more secure to keep out the unwanted ensure the answer bears no relation to the question.

Secret Question 'what was the first street you lived on ?'
Answer '3.14159'

The Saps are 'virtual people' they aren't alive in any conventional sense. They are synthetic, more like machines, and it's impossible to lie to a machine.

I would recommend anybody who wants to follow my example should read Koanic Soul's blog so you can tell who is a Sap (synthetic human) and who is a real living being.

That way on the off chance you are dealing with a real human you wont say beer, babes and ball sports and do yourself out of a job.

All other times,
Beer babes and ballsports.
Beer, babes and ballsports
Beer, babes and ballsports

It's not guaranteed to work but it might confuse the sensors long enough to allow you to slip in and get a few weeks work before the anomaly is detected and you get ejected.

This is a vital life skill for some of us and can literally be the difference between life and death.

Grognard said...

I can't think of any hiring practice that doesn't lead to hiring bullshitters.

The popular one these days is T-shaped individual. Someone who is an expert in one area but has a broad knowledge base. It's basically a recipe for hiring bullshitters.

Having a whole bunch of people in on interview and getting a say is an even bigger guarantee. It ensures anyone with half a brain will get crapped on by the more incompetent employees.

olebob said...

mexicano said...

You might like this -

mexicano said...

You might like this -

0ed52e3e-eff4-11e2-9242-000bcdcb2996 said...

Why do you call them Master Thespians?

0ed52e3e-eff4-11e2-9242-000bcdcb2996 said...

Why do you call them Master Thespians?