VAULT DWELLERS SERVED

Monday, December 26, 2011

A Universe Awash In A Broth Of Life

When I was going to college I wrote a paper in support of Fred Hoyle and I used the Murchison Meteorite as evidence the entire universe was swarming with organic compounds. This was in 1987 when such ideas were considered on par with Bigfoot sightings and UFO abduction studies.

The problem was that I had written a paper for another teacher across the hall arguing that abortion was murder because the fetus had an endpoint that was a human being, therefore interfering with the development of a fetus or aborting it was equivalent to manslaughter where another person dies because of a reckless action committed by someone else. I used fragments of my other paper to demonstrate that life was organically bound up in the nature of existence and that it was to be regarded as a miracle because we could not produce our own in the lab without using existing lifeforms as building blocks.

The two teachers got together (quite unprofessionally) and decided that I must be something of a right-wing goyish troublemaker. They held a counseling session for me after hours where they offered me the chance to recant my views and demonstrate correct doubleplusgood-think. I spent the entire session repeatedly asking them what it was I had done wrong and why they had felt this warranted a counseling session. They kept sneering and waving me off like I was digressing by inquiring into what the charge was precisely. They kept repeating the requirement that I be less "closeminded" in the future and refrain from inserting political beliefs into biology classes. I reminded them the point of my paper on abortion was to show that this was a scientific concern, not a political one.

They were both so unreasonably derogatory with me it left me feeling badly wounded when it was over, in particular because they could not specifically say what it was I had written they had found so unacceptable. No matter what indifference they feigned you could feel the contempt and disgust radiating from them and it was very, very ugly. Over these two papers I had written. I couldn't figure it out. I was young and still thought the world works the way people claim it does even after having been in the military.

In less than a month I had a row in psychology about the differences between men and women being genetic, not cultural. I was asked if I would attend gender sensitivity training classes. I dropped out, walked off campus, never came back. I did continue using my campus pass for a while to sneak in and use the college gym. This was at a time in my life I was increasingly conflicted and trying so hard to understand why I was so immeasurably different from everybody else. I say "conflicted," but I mean something that was so hard on me inside emotionally it was like running a low-grade fever or being ill some of the time.

The instinct to hate myself for being so different and so "wrong" was really strong and I ignored it, I needed to believe that different as I was, that someday I would find out the truth about who I was and how I got that way. I always believed it would turn out to be something utterly incredible and probably beyond the grasp of ordinary humans. I was right about that. It was more incredible than anything I could have imagined. I'm still discovering more every single day and I doubt if I have really done anything more than break the surface of what is there.

I didn't know it back then at the time but that terrible pain I was feeling which seemed like an awful burden to me was doing a lot more elsewhere. That emotional feeling of alienation kills the majority of people with "Asperger's Syndrome" (I only use the term in deference to the limitations of regular humans) like flies. What I thought was really hard and tough to live with, was causing the other 95% born like me to leap off bridges and hang themselves. People with only a fraction of the condition found it almost impossible to breach their 25th birthday without committing suicide. I didn't know about any of this at the time, I thought I was the only person in the world like me.

The Enkidu are tough critters. Resilient. I suspect their weakness may have been certain kinds of emotional pain and living conditions that scarcely trouble Homo Sapiens much at all. They had a special kind of Kryptonite that is difficult to explain if you are not a member of the tribe. As luck would have it, those conditions to trigger that instinct are perfectly produced by raising Neanderthals with Homo Sapiens. With Neanderthals, if you are shunned by your tribe powerful instincts kick in to make your caloric requirements zero from then on. Powerful hormones are released that make you hate yourself. The thing is, these sorts of emotional wounds are a perfectly normal part of growing up for Homo Sapiens. They are a fickle, arbitrary shifting set of allegiances that changes from one day to the next. When you meet somebody better, you trade up and discard the other person(s) as no longer necessary. The Homo Sapiens doesn't dry up and blow away because he gets hurt or rejected, he has no ultimate allegiances to anyone so he'll just go looking for another social group to get into. Not so for the Neanderthal. The Neanderthal is reacting to rejections by ghosts and withering on the vine because of perceived insults by people who aren't even there. The Neanderthal thinks he has been judged unworthy by the females and will have no mate. With Sapiens, they just shelve one bitch and look for another. Nobody takes anything seriously and your best friend can be your enemy tomorrow depending on which way the wind is blowing. With Sapiens you are expected to simply spin the wheel and try again. Nobody means anything they say to each other and nobody expects to be taken seriously by anybody else, it's all just a big game called society. Their ideals come from Neanderthals but the reality is in no way related. I love you to a Neanderthal means permanently. I will never betray you or abandon you, ever. Homo Sapiens girls consider this kind of earnestness a sign of weakness in a man and despise commitments that are binding. She might meet a man with a bigger bank account tomorrow and need to get out of this thing to switch to the new male. The last thing he/she wants is for anybody to think this lasts any longer than it needs to.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I seriously considered killing myself almost everyday between 9 and 26. My mother spent my entire childhood trying to change me into a good little human through unrelenting criticism for being me.

Texas Arcane said...

That's tough. I'm glad to see you didn't take other people's opinion too seriously.

You would find that the last 200,000 years, almost every single person who moved something forward in terms of real progress felt the same way you do.

You might consider that true proof of your uniqueness might come from you forgiving people for never forgiving you for being born with certain genes active. Hating them back only wears you out, honestly. It doesn't really hurt them, ever. You do best when you can forgive people for never changing. After all, they're never going to change.

Anonymous said...

Tex do you believe that the difference between the Enkidu and Giglamesh tribes was known to great men across the ages and some of them coded it in literature? I was watching the (awesome) Count of Monte Cristo the other night (2002 version) and when comparing Edmond Dantes to Fernand Mondego I couldn't help myself repeating in my head "this is like that thing Tex Arcane was talking about".

Texas Arcane said...

I believe that the recognition of the breed is subconscious, genetic and innate and cannot be altered or reprogrammed.

I think you could pick any two Homo Sapiens from anywhere on the planet, of any race, put them in a room with one of the Enkidu and both of them would be able to agree on something, even if they could not bring themselves to say it out loud ... "Hate that guy. Hate him. Grumble. He should be put down. Not good like us. That guy should be killed. Something ... something ... that guy we should kill." There's no conscious thought involved. It is automatic and programmed so deeply into the human brain it cannot be removed.

People who instinctively know this like Abramoff know how to work this instinct to their own advantage. They let their mark think that they are talking down to them, using small concessions to draw larger concessions out with that reconciliatory counter-reflex. I would bet you anything that almost nobody who ever sat down with Abramoff realized this guy had ten times their physical strength.

The demon Humbaba promised Gilgamesh that someday he would look on his friend Enkidu and not recognize him. I think subconsciously people still recognize both breeds.

Anonymous said...

If planted in the brain then by who? Think about it. Not aliens! Aliens would not have a motive for all the hard work to build the breed from parts then program it for the work. Somebody who didnt like that breed. That somebody was a hominid themselves. Think about it the theory is not that far out but you have to consider it.

Anonymous said...

When I first read it here it seemed so far out. I have read a lot more on this subject and its not so far out any more. Every time you see a new article on this subject it tends to bolster this theory of texs. Not aliens though. Aliens would not be such petty bastards and carry such a grudge. Something that was also a hominid would be right for the agent behind this.

njartist said...

Just checked WebMD for definition of Asperger: I fit many of the symptoms; I could very easy blame it for the hell I have gone through with my family since I was three (I am 62).

Alert adults in my extended family recognized psychological abuse on the part of my parents: they themselves were broken by dysfunctional families; a college professor in my field of study got me out of the house and on my own when he realized the psychological conditions under which I existed: this prof finally gave me the space and tools to realize my intelligence. Instead of continuing under the family curse, "You are stupid," I finally blossomed as an artist and intellectual; where someone of my gifts would have thrived in a healthy family and been highly successful, I was stunted and twisted out of shape: until my early thirties, I walked about with a mental haze before my eyes - that is what it felt like.

In graduate school, one of my peers looked at me and simply called me a late bloomer: perhaps that is more true than labeling this as Asperger's. In the eighties, I told my life story to a sympathetic preacher from England: he looked at me and said, "Your parents were inferior;" nothing more needed to be said.

njartist said...

To continue:

I remember crying on my bed in my early teens crying out to God for a proper Father. I remember being given dreams that related my psychological death and restoration; I was given a dream about being separated out from those who are damned.; and I was given a dream relating how I would be carried afloat by the grace of God.

Yahweh answered my cry for a father: He gave me to his Son Jesus and thereby became my heavenly Father: He has guided my life since I was a young man; that is not to say He hasn't delivered some well deserved kicks to my butt. God also answered my prayer for a father by giving me two strong father figures/ mentors: the first in college, the second in grad school; both were artists, both in their ways were connected: one led to the other.

After twenty-five years of being on my own and getting the family crap out of my head. God brought me right back into the family grinder: I returned to retrain with the intent of getting away as fast as I could; Instead, my mother suffered a stroke and, as the only single child, I became her caretaker. This time I was healthy, knowing exactly what was going on and determined not to allow my family to destroy me; I give the glory to Jesus Christ for He has been right there every step of the way guiding and healing me and carrying the burden. (God has fulfilled His word that he uses the weak to glorify himself.) When my mother realized the extent to which I retrained myself on the computer, she sat on the edge of her bed for two hours in shock.

njartist said...

To continue more:

As for your "teachers",they were merely vicious: they would have sought the destruction of any student who countered their ideology, or challenged their thinking. I was inoculated in my high school (1960s) via my so-called history teachers: the first shouted down and insulted any who did not toe the party line; the second just laughed and giggled. In college, I had English teachers who were confident enough in their own thinking as not to be threatened by independent thinking.

I do not see these things as signs of a disease. Our gifts are in the intellect and we work out the acquiring of our social skills and disciplines - be they art or technical - through the insight and understanding of the intellect. We are able to dive deeper and climb higher than most - though that does not mean we achieve material comfort and wealth: no, our lessers are more likely to achieve that.

Anonymous said...

http://www.blupete.com/Literature/Essays/Hazlitt/TableTalk/Superiority.htm

"The chief disadvantage of knowing more and seeing farther than others, is not to be generally understood..."

Koanic said...

Tex, this is exactly the same as my story. Only the names of the papers have been changed. Every emotional detail is the same.

Well, the outcome was a little different. I didn't drop out. I was ready and waiting for the official persecution; I could fit it into my "conservative culture warrior" framework. I fought back by running a newspaper.

The social game, though, hit me exactly the way you're describing.

But the thing is, I'm not fully Aspie/Neanderthal. There's a lot of Sapiens in me.

This produces a divided mind and tremendous dissonance, which must be overcome. But it's also an opportunity. After all, hybrids conquered the world. There are adaptive traits there.

To master this dissonance, and harness both halves, that is my goal. I think I've already accomplished this with the latest iteration of koanic tech.

It wouldn't have been possible without a clear understanding of the exact psychic characteristics of the two halves. I owe that to your work. It's far less simple than "light" and "dark". Both Neanderthal and Sapiens have different versions of what "light" and "dark" mean. Rather, it's about specific psychological profiles.

Infinitely confusing if you don't know the profiles, but retardedly simple if you do.

Now, I think I can slide through life, shifting my outwards coloration and internal emotional processing on a gradient between sapiens and neanderthal as the situation demands. Appearing totally congruent to whatever maximizes my interests.

The difference being that when alone, I return and recenter myself on the neanderthal, rather than continuing irrevocably in unreflective circular sapiens life.

So for me koanic tech has two goals:
1. To repair and reinforce the soul against damage done by life in the toxic sapiens environment, and the agonizing absence of the neanderthal tribe.

2. To bind up the divided mind, and give it the plasticity needed to smoothly switch modes as the situation demands.

Koanic said...

The Spartans had a rule: Never war continuously against the same enemy for too long. For by doing so, you will supply by external pressure what his internal virtue could not: martial competency comparable to Sparta's.

After countless millenia, the war started by the melonheads has finally reached this point. Enkidu has reached the degree of sophistication required to fight back.

You've talked about how huge the brains of the melonheads were, and that they might've had modes of cognition qualitatively different than our own. Let me suggest that they had the capacity to fully emulate lower hominid minds, like computers running old SNES games. And not just single minds, but social groups and cultures. Otherwise, how can you explain their ability to craft customized hominids for specific purposes?

Our smaller brains could never accomplish such a feat. But thanks primarily to the internet and PUA community, we have now unlocked a great deal of the psychological underpinnings of the contemporary human mind.

From there, it wasn't that big of a step to put together koanic command phrases as psychological handles, and start tinkering. When combined with the full profiles of the sapiens/neanderthal duality, this provides a way to fully adapt to the new environment.

I suppose that non-integrous Neanderthal hybrids, the manipulator classes you talk about, have been able to adaptively exploit their sapiens natures for much longer to achieve traction. But this is the first time that a systematized method has been developed that allows fully integrous Neanderthal/aspie types to also exploit this nature.

Anonymous said...

Neandercult.

Anonymous said...

The most interesting part of the theory is to consider that these prior cultures may not have even had technology superior to ours. What if they found a way to practice recombinant genetics using common acids and alkalis in ceramic pots? They may have developed this tek to a very high level whilst not even having widespread electricity and being obsessed with monolith building. What if they mastered breeding slaves because that was as far as they got and had to use this solution to everything, make a slave for it? Many mythologies support this idea with their stories of the "gods" being too lazy to do their own work. More advanced civilizations may have used genetically engineered viruses against the Enkidi but melonheads used special slaves because this was their answer to every problem?

Anonymous said...

Tex, you'll love Geneforge. A little relabelling the factions/species and you've almost got a game version of the neanderthal/melonhead/etc. struggle.

Anonymous said...

You know, there are plenty of extremely bright people who are well-adjusted and socially adroit and haven't had tortured childhoods.

Also, alienation is a common feeling when growing up.

What I see here is an elaborate justification for "feeling different" and "feeling picked on."

What's ironic is while saying that the rest of us mere sapiens despise you (untrue), you actually spend your time despising the world and wishing for its destruction. Sad.

Anonymous said...

Tex, you'll love Geneforge. A little relabelling the factions/species and you've almost got a game version of the neanderthal/melonhead/etc. struggle.

Anonymous said...

Anon @1:55 AM

This might not be far off the mark. There are many things done in the past that confuse and mystify people now because they aren't aware of how it could be done without a certain piece of modern tech. Often there are other ways of doing something using other methods and technologies, even if it requires another approach or more time and effort.

More than one way to skin a cat.

Texas Arcane said...

"You know, there are plenty of extremely bright people who are well-adjusted and socially adroit and haven't had tortured childhoods."

No, there aren't and it is a popular vain conceit amongst the intellectually mediocre. Science says genetics don't work that way, no matter how many times Oprah and Dr. Phil run specials claiming otherwise.

You don't understand what is being talked about here. You think you do, but you don't.

Human beings aren't the creatures you think they are. What you think of yourself is a product of the intellectual vanity of the masses. Human beings are a different kind of creature that works a different way. Advances and progress in anything don't happen the way you think they do. Human life itself isn't what you believe it to be. It is more about what rushes in to fill a vaccuum than conclusions you have reached with reason.

If human beings were who they like to pretend to be, the world would look utterly different than the way it looks now. We'd be on the flaming edge of a technological revolution right now where all men would live forever, ride hoverboards to work like the Jetsons and there would be a million more jobs than people.

The truth is that men are two different species mixed together like oil and water, not really ever mixed properly and always at odds with himself. People achieve certainties in any regard because they contain more oil or more water but nobody ever has an even mix of both.

The reason modern people don't seem to be able to fix any of their problems, rather just talk about them and make vague gestures and weak overtures as to what the problems are is that human beings don't have much in the way of self understanding and the majority of them never will.

Anonymous said...

"The truth is that men are two different species mixed together like oil and water, not really ever mixed properly and always at odds with himself."

We're all homo sapiens, Tex -- even you. We have a small percentage of neanderthal genes but we're overwhelmingly sapiens. You have concocted a fantasy to explain how you have always felt different and out of step. All this melonhead crap about breeding different races -- c'mon, dude, it's ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

Er no it is obvious once you know what you are talking about. Try reading the links instead of psychoanalysing tex. It sounds weird and I dont know why he approves these odd comments. I guess if youre not smart enough to follow the discussion you can always chime in by analysing peoples motives. You have heard the idea first from tex but it is an idea gaining wide acceptance by many in the back rooms. Man looks like a creation to kill neanderthals. You probably need to read up on this some more and comment less.

Texas Arcane said...

Anon 11:20 AM

Pretending to be my intellectual superior and diagnosing my ideas in terms of most motivation is insulting. Why don't you give me credit for maybe having self-understanding as good as yours or better. Caricaturing me as a self-pitying loner is derogatory whether you realize it or not. Consider I might possibly be a little more aware than that.

It doesn't matter who came up with the idea or what their childhood was like. That is off-topic. The idea is sound and stands on its own without personality.

Homo Sapiens appears to be an animal custom designed to exterminate Neanderthals.

Texas Arcane said...

If you want to look at literalism carried to the point of being autistic, consider the innate intelligence of a person who believes that whatever % of genes we get from Neanderthals, that's the % to which our behaviour is affected. Talk about a childlike mind.

Apparently a single gene derived from Neanderthals, DRD4-7R, has such a powerful effect when expressed it changes a person's entire psychology and abilities from the cradle.

I actually feel soiled having to explain this out loud. There is something banal about having to spell this out for others.

Anonymous said...

Duh if you think the education system is not fail then explain these people who keep posting comments here about "how only 5%" etc.

Dolt there is only 1% separating us from chimpanzees. 5% of our most important genes being from another species could give us wings, two heads and lasers firing out of our assholes. A slight adjustment you might say. Think about it wont you. Dolt.

The Pilgrim said...

hm, does Garret LoPorto read Vault-Co; or does Vault-Co read Garret LoPorto?


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/garret-loporto/surprising-way-your-neand_b_568455.html

Anonymous said...

La Porto just read the stuff tex read a couple years ago.

Anonymous said...

"The tragic thing is that there seems to be something deep in the modern human psyche that abhors the Neanderthal genome -- literally an instinctive desire to genocide our Neanderthal lineage." from link above

The Pilgrim said...

"La Porto just read the stuff tex read a couple years ago."

You might wanna check the date on that article I linked to, skippy.

[Posted: 05/10/10 12:01 PM ET]

Using the search on this blog for 'neanderthal', the earliest post I found was one called "Who were the Nephilim?", dated NOVEMBER, 2010, a full month after LoPorto posted his article.

The only other mention of neanderthals I found prior to that was in 2009, where tex used the word in the typical, derogatory sense.

Draw your own conclusions.

Anonymous said...

I guess you decided tex is lying about reading stuff years ago long before it appears in public. But if so how comes he always seems to be a couple year/s in advance with news. Er-go you assume hes lying. You should try reading vaultco 1.0 before it went down he was talking about shite such as this ten years ago. The problem with being that smart is that nobody can understand you until it is common knowledge for all. I read tex when he had a different site called TEX ARCANES SURVIVAL REPORT and all he ever did was talk about differences between ice age genetics and everybody else. I dont think he specifically started to mention neanderthals in place of ice age genes until around 2007.

Tex might be mad but hes no phony pilgrim. Read this site for a while and you will find out for yourself. Yer tearing into him before youve even read his stuff just ad hominem.

Anonymous said...

agin Moshie point me to yer blog with superior insites I cant wait to read it. Yer a big critic but offer nothing of your own. Thanks until I hear better theories Im assuming tex has nailed most of it down pretty well. Go and read some of Trinkhaus stuff. Who got it first Trinkhaus or tex? Its a tie methinks.

Anonymous said...

"Homo Sapiens appears to be an animal custom designed to exterminate Neanderthals."

How were sapiens custom-designed? What evidence is there of it? What evidence is there that they wiped out neanderthals? How do you know the two races didn't simple merge and interbreed?

Anonymous said...

Tex, Perhaps you are overeacting the Asperger thing abit to much, Of course i think having Aspergers is the most horrible thing of my life, And i can't possibly imagine anything worse having that, But i doubt that my Fellow human is insisted on making a Genocide of Aspergers because they was born that way, However i do believe they Shuned Aspergers for having their Social akwardness and lower levels of Self-Confidence, But this is a Situation where we can't do anything about it because in most cases, You are born in that way. I wish i never got Aspergers, I really do, But yet i got gifted with a large Intellect, And of course i have to face that now that i was born from start with this Syndrome, I might aswell try and live with it, But i dont know. On the first hand i am exploiting the Possiblities of having this Syndrome as i can take Advance Classes in High school and such, But on the other hand, I got no Friends, Virgin, On the brink of Sucidie, Being the Black sheep of the family and i feel unwanted where i walk because people take distance because of the natrue of my Syndrome. However it's just maybe that obession that it's the other peoples fault that we are like we are, Lonely and depressed, Isnt going to help anything, Instead of arguing about how Misable and lonely we are, I suggest rather we do our best to Exploit our Situation, It's hard and the most thoughst thing i done, But i be dammed if i die alone, Regreting least i didnt try, And if all goes wrong you can always kill yourself later, I'm not saying you should, But in my case if this fails i will propably not handle the depression i will get struck by, As seeing Failure each day, Each night in my life is becomming to much of a pain to my Heart and mind.

Also that '' Female Aspies have it harder '' Is such a total bullshit, Because due to this '' Society '' Men are always the people that is expected to be the people that seek's their mates, But guess what, As Asperger you can't do that as it will be to hard, Confusing, Difficult and Painfull doing so, Yet if we never try, We can't complain about it, And yes i tried, And yes i failed, But i got smarter and that is more important then anything. I became a better improved Asperger, Which mean's alot to me, As Seeing Positiv thing's in Negativ things { Least in some peoples eyes } Is something i most do to avoid a outbust of a depression.

I dont know if you can relate to this Situation or if you are intented on resuming your Campaign, I agree to some of it, Well in a certain extent, But who cares anyway, It's just the concept of the people that isnt suffering from our flaw, Is intented on Wreaking havoc upon us, Seem's to be too Hypocritical, Also to be honest, Alot of us is Arogant bastards according to our Interllect, I mean really, Come on...

Texas Arcane said...

Anon 10:06

I want you to have all the understanding at a younger age I didn't have of what we are really talking about. I made it through those years without knowing any of the things I know now. A lot of people just like us don't make it but I did. I want you to fight for your life and existence with a passion. Suicide is never an answer to anything, it precludes the possibility of answers.

Aspergers Syndrome is simply a misunderstanding on the part of Homo Sapiens. We have nearly 165,000+ years of evidence that Homo Sapiens never really understands anything. So don't use their term when they have made some serious errors about who and what you really are.

Your life is hard because you are being raised by strangers. Their ways are not our ways. They are cruel, treacherous, gregarious, false, insincere, ebullient, ambiguous and without remorse. Your kind are courageous, noble, heartfelt, earnest, generous, selfless, heroic, strong, meek and brilliant.

There is never going to be any good blood between their kind and our kind. They are not us. They want to be so badly that every single moral standard they have is based on what we think is right and wrong. It is a standard they can never be worthy of.

Your life is never going to be easy. It's going to be hard. Luckily for you, you are innately robust, resilient, tough, independent, quick to cheer, reflective and forgiving. All these traits enable your kind to endure long treks in harsh places hunting on their own, always to return to the people they love.

Your kind can weather enormous amounts of hatred, rejection, unfair treatment, discrimination and outright virulence but you need to have your own tribe to retreat to from this cruel world they call their own lives. You have got to put together a little tribe of your own to have as a sanctuary from their world. Keep looking for them, you will find them.

Remember, I went nearly fifty years without knowing the whole story, always believing in my heart there was going to be this incredible M. Night Shymalayan moment when it all came to me in this incredible epiphany. Five decades on faith. Guess what? It happened! Just like I had always imagined! In an instant, fifty years of seeing through a glass darkly changed in the blink of an eye in March 2010!!

You are lucky. You won't have to live with the pain of not knowing like so many others of our kind for the past 38,000 years. You can know something of the truth about who you are and where you came from.

They don't have what you have. For them, the darkness will never end. Don't be angry at them that they lash out at you from that quiet desperation they call living. It's all they will ever know.

Don't ever give in to hopelessness. You are a unique creation of God with a legacy of a half million years on this planet. You belong here. You've won the right. It's the others who have DNA that looks like it was mixed up in a blender set to puree out of rhesus monkey parts and catshit. They have no birthright but you do. You are an integral part of this planet because you were produced by trial and error over colossal spans of time in the toughest environments imaginable.

You are no monster. Think hard about this. What did you ever do? You are a miracle and a child of Adam from long before their kind even existed. Your people are always found with the good things, the wonderful things, the virtuous things, the marvelous things. They are only associated with killing and cannibalism. That is their entire heritage in a nutshell. They had no dreams until they mixed with our mothers. They had no evidence of souls, no hearts, none of the rich internal world that you and I take for granted. Remember our kind are living ghosts. We live half in dreams all the time - how can you hurt a dream? We have no point at which we can be wounded.

Don't ever talk about suicide again. Your kind are too valuable to speak of such things.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your words but, I dont know, It's simply to hard for me to keep going like this, Since for so many years, I've watch other people enjoy their lives, Experincing things i propably never will with this Sadistic syndrome that God decided to give me, Everytime i see a couple kissing, I feel something inside me telling i should just give up the hope for it since just imagining having a girlfriend isnt something i can relate to, I just can't believe why i have to live like this, Everytime i try my best to be like the others, They sense it right away and take distance of me because i try and fit in, Yet if i dont try they will take even more distance for me, Because i dont fit or remind them of themselves because i got other habbits and Intresstes. And telling me i shouldnt commit sucidie is harder said then done, I've had so many failures in every persetiv in my life, And there is so many things people can that i can't due to the restrctions of myself. I look with Envy on everyone around me, And everyone taunts me when i say Aspergers is harder then they think, Because they just blame it's because of myself that i am like this, The best person in my life was my Pyschlogists, Least she could bloody understand what i tried telling my parrents over and over agian when i was a teenager, But i'm just at a brinking point of my life, I see no hopes forward in my futrue, And if i go on and fail again, I think i will do reckless things to my surronding things as a kind of reveange for what they done to me, How badly they made me feel. Yet i can't make myself kill myself, Everytime i try and hold the knife/weapon/etc to my vital areas, I simply can't do it, Because i still have feelings for the people around me for all they done, I know they arent monsters all the time, Yet i can't live in their wrecthed ways forever, Knowing it will take a impact on myself sooner or later.

The only options i have left is try finding a Asperger Girlfriend/Friend because they are the only ones who can understand the bloody troubles you have as a asperger after years and years of pain and suffering for the rest to laugh at.

Or i could join the Army, Maybe i can persaude them letting me in, People in my Nation's Army suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress alot, So it wouldnt be a bigger problem if i had Aspergers in the first place, Least i can die a honorably death then.

And if that fails, I'll go to Palastina and join Hamas, It maybe seem silly, But i am not joking, I am very serious about this, I rather fight for Liberation for Palastina and die in the progress to spread Attention to the subject, Then die in my house, Hanging myself wearing Shorts and a T-Shirt with A Startrek Refence, Whilst noone gave ashit about me the first 2 weeks after i died.

Life man, Fucking life sure is a bitch..

wassin said...

I am not sure how much I have in common with people of neanderthal heritage (aspies). I don't want to pull anything out of my ass, I'm not claiming that I was diagnosed with anything in that direction.

But judging by what I have read on this blog over the past 2-3 years I would say they are extremely interesting fellows. Most other people bore me - they have nothing interesting to say, they aren't really worth a conversation or a thought. The weirdos have always been the most interesting.

I really don't get why someone would wish not to have neanderthal genes. It gives you the potential to be unique, to be an artist who really creates something valuable, a great thinker or just a person who's really important for his environment - even if this environment doesn't give you the credit that it should.

It's certainly something that one can be proud of, something that should give you the self-respect that you need, that gives you strength.
Self-respect is especially important if you suffer - a lot.

It's better to look down on the people that despise you for things you say or do than to consider them worth to talk to.

You might end up being lonely but this blog proves that there are people out there that aren't so much different from you.
You might think that you will never find the right woman but special people usually recognize each other. They are drawn to each other.

I am too a lonely person but
I like keeping my most important thoughts to myself, talking them out loud in front of other people often feels like I am debasing (is this the right word?) my ideas. Maybe that would change if I met a person who really understands me; I'm not sure. My father and my three brothers are all very intelligent, but even so I hardly share any interests with them.

Just I few thoughts I just had, sorry if some things are a load of bullshit and sorry for my English; I haven't written such a long text since school.
Wish i could talk in my native language.

Texas Arcane said...

Wassin

I promise you many things if you stick with it :

1. Someday the anxiety receptors in your brain will start to burn out from being overloaded with cortisol all the time. You will begin to feel better when this happens. You will stop caring much what others think and you will find yourself laughing a lot more and enjoying whatever there is in life to take pleasure in.

2. You will go long periods at a time when others will regard you as invisible. Suddenly every once in a while it will become obvious you are ten times the human being they are. This irregular pattern of invisible-spectacular is common to all aspies. You will likely go back to being invisible again after this - Sapiens has the memory of a mayfly.

3. This cycle you are talking about of feeling worthless and then trying so hard without getting the results you want is common to aspies. The way to break out of it is to find something you love to do and forget about fitting in or trying to become a "neurotypical." Neurotypicals are biological train wrecks one step short of killing themselves their entire lives and unlike you, with good cause. The reason no amount of effort is going to make you "normal" is that you're not "normal," you're actually healthy and will never fit into the Pee-Wee Herman's House of Carnage they call their existence. Neurotypicals are the ultimate flakes. Aspies are built like they belong here.

4. I can hear echoes in the things you are saying that reflect desires to prove your value to Sapiens society. Please do not throw your life away on the army or some other "good duty" that Sapiens calls your responsibility in life. Don't throw your life away on grand gestures or indulge in futile attempts at revenge. Notice how all the people who thrive in Sapiens society do so by ignoring all their own advice? The rich Sapiens advise a military ethic for all when they themselves never serve in the military. Sapiens scumbag fights over anything are meaningless and are just scams to protect property of the elites who rule them.

5. Don't sacrifice your life for some ideal that comes from the outside from the situational ethics that Sapiens believes is the standard of right and wrong. It will never have the knowledge of good and evil. In some ways, Sapiens is incapable of sin because it is incapable of comprehending absolute rules. You know it is wrong to seek revenge on those who are not aware of what it is they are doing wrong. I encourage you to follow the example of Christ and forgive your enemies and those who have offended you. It will be well for them and most importantly, for you.

Anonymous said...

By the way, My name is Kasper, AKA the guy that wrote the '' I've want to join the army stuff '' I'm not Wassin, You got me confused.

Yet, I dont feel persauded disabanding the plan, I rather fight for the Liberation of Palastine which is a worthy cause, Since it's been attacked by the Israesls for too long unnoticed, If i died while figthing Israesl, I would spread Attention on the Subject of the matter of the Israeli crimes agianst the Palastine people, This isnt any Human race Bullshit, This is Justice for the Palastine people, I dont expect you to show Sympathy for me since i am propably already gone insane after my life been fucked up so badly by the Sadistic Assholes in the School when i was a Teenager, But i dont want to die alone, I rather die in a Noble Cause.

Again i dont expect you to Understand the choice i am making since it's propably so far out, But if you least could accept the fact that i tried my best to be social and get friends and such as, that would mean alot to me. I just wish i could meet love in my life, After my struggle all these years i just wanted to experince love, But no, Fuck no, That was foolish for me to think as a Asperger, I knew that it would be impossible as i scared every fucking single girl away from me because i was too '' Excentric '' And everytime i tried being someone i wasnt, I feel bad being Dishonest, I could't be someone else. I never told anyone in my life how hard my life is, Only my Pyshlogist have a slight idea after the seaveal Sucidie Taughts she heard i had.

I just hope God will understand this, Fucking most Sadistic thing in the world world, Welcome to Asperger Syndrome..

wassin said...

oh I think there's a misunderstanding.

I am not the same person as anon 10:06 or 7:50.
I actually was mainly referring to his post when talking about the qualities of aspies.

Texas Arcane said...

Sorry I got you mixed up with Wasser, I thought it was the same person adding their name the second time.

If you want the pain to end, Kasper, you have to let go. Wanting to die for some noble cause is a classic way of avoiding the conflict you are feeling.

Do you really want to die in some screwy Sapiens war for some meaningless purpose? The Palestinians have been in terrible travail for a long time but are you sure this is your fight? Or is it just a way of ending it for you? I reckon 75% of aspies suicide and the other 25% die of assisted suicide. That leaves me and you and if you go off and get yourself killed where does that leave me? I'm hoping you can see the humor in the situation instead of only dwelling on the worst.

You owe it to yourself to stick to the work of living and not take the easy way out, which is not a solution.

I have had it hard my entire life and yet I still thank god for every day of my existence and hope to live another one each night when the sun goes down. I know what you are talking about when you say "really hard." I know. I understand that, even if others on this blog don't. I'm telling you, don't take the easy way out. Keep trying. Somewhere there is love for you in this world and many better things than you have now. Remember that sapiens trades mates like playing cards so don't be phased by rejection.

I got an email last month from a girl I knew in the military many, many years ago. She said she wished she had tackled me when she had the chance but has only come to her senses after her 2nd marriage failed. She said she always thought I was too meek and self-effacing when she knew me, not a real man like the men she had married. Both of them turned out to be weaklings and liars, all front and no back. She said in retrospect she can't believe she thought that I was a weak person, especially when she remembered I had been much stronger physically than any man she has known since then. She wrote that I was a person who seemed determined not to impress and fairly good at running myself down despite my virtues. This has been said about almost all aspies.

Most aspies end up marrying a woman slightly older than they are because they have a little more wisdom and recognize good product when they see it. Younger women are a dead end, I wouldn't waste my time on them. The mass media tells them you are an unworthy mate for precisely the fact you are the best possible mate they could find.

Look for a girl who laughs at the things you say and realizes you are doing a little self-parody most of the time. This is the kind that you will find will see the real content of your character and won't be scared off just because you evince some vivid interest in some subject. The good girls are hard to find, as well.

Texas Arcane said...

What is really hilarious is that nearly every single quality that repels sapiens females, the neanderthal female would have seen as a clear sign of genetic excellence in a male. This tells me that the neanderthals who were interbred with sapiens chimps must have been of the very highest calibre that it has trickled down and is still evident in their descendants 38,000 years later.

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